Would you live with or near your mother-in-law? 3 mums say yes
While mum-in-laws are often an invaluable lifeline for young families, from helping to take care of the kids to cooking nutritious meals for the family, living with or next door to your mother-in-law can be a stress-inducing proposition for some. Fortunately for these three pairs of mums and their mum-in-laws, they’ve found the right recipe to make a commonly tension-riddled relationship work.
1. Alicia Chia & Jenny Lim
Jenny Lim (left) & Alicia Chia (right)
Mutual understanding and respect is the cornerstone of Alicia Chia’s relationship with her mother-in-law Jenny Lim.
The bank manager moved into her in-laws’ place three years ago, when she was pregnant with her second child. When the couple bought their own home recently, a 3-bedroom penthouse at Riversails in Upper Serangoon, her mum-in-law decided to sell her place and purchase another condo unit in the next block to remain close to the family.
Alicia says the “family-friendly” development was selected for its host of amenities including three swimming pools, a sky park, and barbecue areas. She specifically picked the penthouse unit so that “the whole family can enjoy the open space of the roof terrace.”
While having your mum-in-law living in the next block can certainly be convenient, the close proximity and frequent drop-ins may naturally increase the possibility of misunderstandings.
“I always tell my friends that mutual respect is important. Sometimes, you just have to close one eye and close one ear. Because of the generation gap, mothers-in-law may do or say things that you might not like but you need to be accommodating too. At the end of the day, you’ve got to respect them because they can be a great help in running the family and household,” offers Jenny.
An understanding husband helps, too. When conflict arises, as it inevitably will from time to time, Alicia advises it’s best to avoid any direct confrontation or argument. “If there’s anything that needs to be communicated that may be negative in nature, it’s good to have an understanding husband who can help to do the communication,” she says.
Mum-in-law Jenny adds: “Always have love, patience, and empathy towards each other. And pray to Jesus and His Mother for help, blessings, and guidance every day.”
2. Vanessa Lee & Chen Chuang Yi
Chen Chuang Yi (left) & Vanessa Lee (right)
For Vanessa Lee, it’s the friendship cultivated with her mother-in-law that keeps the relationship strong.
The pair has been living under the same roof since Vanessa and her husband bought the semi-detached freehold property along Upper East Coast Road four years ago.
“I’m lucky to have a mother-in-law who’s very open-minded and modern; she’s not those typical mother-in-laws,” acknowledges Vanessa. In fact, the pair gets along so well that Chung Yi is always invited to join in when Vanessa has friends over for get-togethers. Including Chung Yi in the daily activities and outings Vanessa takes with her two-year-old daughter helps her mum-in-law feel more involved too.
Open communication and clear setting of boundaries are also key. “When we first bought the house and after getting my blessing, my husband invited her to come and stay with us because she’s all alone in Singapore, as my father-in-law still lives in Malaysia. He talked to his mum and so right from the start, there was a mutual understanding that the running of the household would be left to me,” says Vanessa.
As for advice from one mother-in-law to another, Chung Yi says: “Appreciate and respect your daughter-in-law. Give her space and don’t impose your own expectations on her, be sensitive to her moods and feelings, and offer support when she needs it.”
3. Lim Ming Ting & Lee Ah Tiong
Lim Ming Ting (left) & Lee Ah Tiong (right)
An understanding and “neutral” husband is the most important element in establishing a positive relationship dynamic between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, believes Lim Ming Ting.
The real estate agent lives with her husband, three kids and mum-in-law in a 5-room HDB flat in Toa Payoh.
“Before making the decision to live together 10 years ago, my husband sat us down and briefed us altogether. We acknowledged there would be challenges due to our different lifestyles and habits, and agreed that mutual give-and-take would be necessary. The key is to be tolerant,” shares Ming Ting.
She adds: “I’m quite lucky that even though my mum-in-law is from the older generation, she’s quite open-minded and is not the traditional or fussy sort and doesn’t pick on the way we run the house or raise and discipline our kids.”
What advice does Ming Ting have for others with the same living arrangement? “Forgive easily and appreciate her. If there are certain things you dislike, just think of the help she has given you then you will calm down and be less overreactive. Use the good to cover the bad patches. Communication also plays a very big part; watch the tone in which you communicate.”
For Ah Tiong, the key to maintaining harmony is to “avoid criticising your daughter-in-law to your son, friends or relatives.”
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